40k Rider: Kamen Emperor
by Loodlelood
Summary: Far above the war being fought on the surface of Holy Terra, a very different battle rages. A battle between a Primarch empowered by the forces of Chaos who has no idea what the hell is happening and a Goddamn Kamen Rider.


Horus snarled victoriously as he stood atop the lifeless form of his once brother Sanguinus. The Warmaster, empowered by the forces of the four Gods of Chaos, had slain his brother in his madness, truly believing in the illusion of lucidity. The Talons of Horus sparked brilliantly with lightning that danced from blood droplet to blood droplet as he laughed maniacally, assured of his victory. With the Primarch known for perfection dead at his feet he truly believed that none, not even his father the Emperor, could pose a threat to to his crusade of conquest. So enraptured in the throes of laughter was Horus that he had not noticed the intrusion of the Adeptus Custodes who had gone about setting up a series of loudspeakers and pyrotechnics. A great blast of stage explosives slammed the great gates to the chamber open, aided by Custodes sneakily dragging the doors, and Horus was finally brought back to attentiveness. His smug sense of cunning at having planned on his father arriving was thoroughly twisted into confusion as he gazed upon him.

There he was, his father the Emperor, who had conquered thousands of world, standing there in flannel and a t shirt. His father's attire was entirely that of a normal human civilian from the 21st century, countless thousands of years in the past. The only thing that broke the facade of normalcy was an enlarged belt buckle, the likes of which Horus had never seen. The Emperor turned so that only his side faced Horus and pointed intently at the Warmaster, before swinging that same face to the side and turning once more to face him. Horus' confusion grew greater as the Emperor began to shout.

"Horus, you have abandoned humanity, but now, in your darkest hour, humanity abandons you!"

His father was seldom one for theatrics, and when he engaged in it the point was always intimidation.

"Father, yo-"

"By the power of humanity's will, I, the Emperor, shall strike down the darkness of the stars!"

"What is this buffooner-"

It was then that the Custodes activated the speakers and a strange language flooded the room.

' _Afuredasu kanjou ga_

 _Kono karada tsukiyaburi_

 _Toki wo tokashi hajimatta'_

"What the bloody fuck?"

'Itsumo tari nakute

Iiwake teki na akirame

Zutto tsumiagete ita kakusu you ni'

The Emperor grasped his belt buckle and spun it while staring Horus in the eyes.

"Henshin!" shouted the Emperor.

"What the bloody fuck?!"

The corpse of Sanguinius floated into the air and came apart in sections, revealing plastic innards. It rocketed towards the Emperor, and in a flash of light he was attached to the Emperor's limbs as though armor. Very plastic looking gold painted armor.

'Doko ka toomaki ni

Nagameteta you na keshiki

Kyuu ni tenohira no ue konagona ni kudake chiru'

"WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK?!"

The Custodes set off a series of pyrotechnics as the Emperor stood in a surprisingly form-fitting gold plated outfit with an odd horned mask. Horus' jaw had dropped to the floor, unable to comprehend that his always serious father had performed the prior action. Such was his confusion that he had not noticed the Emperor falling to one knee and grabbing his own forearm. "Emperor Fist: Rocketo Paunch!" shouted the Emperor, as his gauntlet clad fist detached from his arm and slammed Horus's face. Horus convulsed on the ground, not understanding that he had just been knocked down. It was like a child dreaming of a great fall and thrashing in response to it.

The Emperor's arm reattached and he stood once more, swishing his arm in an entirely unnecessary gesture. Horus sat up and rethought his life choices. The Emperor turned his back to Horus as pointed to the sky. More ranting came from his masked face and he twirled once more to face Horus, the background exploding once more. Horus rushed to his feet and decided that there was no way out of this hell but to fight. Raising the Talons of Horus above his head he ran towards the Emperor, confusion still lingering in the back of his mind.

"So evil wishes once more to challenge Justice?! So be it, villain! Emperor Drive: Ride!"

The Emperor lept into the air as streaks of light left his body and solidified into a golden motorcycle below him. The Emperor flawlessly landed on the vehicle's seat and reared it's front wheel into the air. The machine somehow stood in place as it's wheels spun, only beginning to move some seconds later. The front wheel caught flame and the Emperor slammed it against Horus' lightning claw. Sparks flew in all directions as Horus struggled with all his might to break through the Emperor's attack. Horus was thrown back and the Emperor took the time to run him over with his vehicle. And then once more. And again. And again.

The Emperor was doing wheelies and doughnuts over the motionless body of the Warmaster, who had no idea what to make of the situation.

"Gods, why have you forsaken me?" he muttered in anguish as the Emperor did a sick flip with his motorcycle.

The Legio Custodes cheered on their Emperor as he continued to do sick tricks with his bitchin' ride while the detonated pyrotechnics as he drove through the chamber. Horus shifted to his side and brought his knees to his chest as he began to sob quietly. It was the sobbing of a man who had realized that he was nothing but a game to everyone he had based his life around. Every single person of influence in his life regarded him as nothing but a source of amusement. The realization shook the Warmaster, who had so fervently believed that he was the master of his own fate: That he was someone of great import. The Emperor spared no sympathy for his once favorite son, for he was busy trying to stand atop the motorcycle while still driving it.

Horus slowly rose to his feet and turned to face his father.

"I see now, father. This spectacle, all of it… All my life I looked towards others for approval yet resented the power they had over me. I struggled so hard to please you, but when I felt I hadn't been given the appreciation I deserved I chose to rebel. I truly thought I had taken control of my life. That I was going to take what I deserved. I thought I wa-"

"Holy shit Horus quit being such a bitch what the fuck."

The Emperor flipped backwards and disengaged from his vehicle, throwing it into the air above him. The Motorcycle began twisting and contorting into a robotic eagle which then screeched out countless slogans about justice and the future of the children. The eagle flew towards the Emperor and fused with his armored boot which began to trail flame. The Emperor jumped into the air where he began to float in place whilst executing a series of cartoonish poses. The Emperor, still floating in the air, burst into a bloom of searing light. He flipped backwards before pointing his flaming foot towards Horus, and after several seconds of holding the pose shouted and flew forth.

"EMPRAH KICK!" screamed the Emperor as Horus wished for oblivion.

Within the Emperor burned a flame brighter than any star. It was a flame that told him to fight on. The same flame that was now burning away Horus' existence. Horus' very essence was rent asunder, assuring his eternal demise. As Horus faded he caught a glimpse of the room around him.

A member of the Custodes was running towards them, shouting something Horus could barely make out. He focused on this Custodes, and realized that he was also dressed in some foreign garb.

" _Is that fucking Custode wearing a schoolgirl uniform?"_

" _Did that fucker just call father 'Senpai?"_

As the chamber exploded into flame and J-pop Horus was finally at peace.


End file.
